There’s Gotta Be More To Life
Life doesn’t make sense anymore.
I ended the year 2021 with 261 rejection emails/letters. I did not have a target in mind but I was quite impressed with how I did! If there is one thing I am good at, I think I found it.
I am making fun at myself right now but lately, something hit me: I am stuck now. This might just be it. If life was a game, I might have won the fastest speed run.
I should not compare my life to others but, thanks to social media, I get to see the good parts of their lives. Friends and colleagues of my age seem to have figured their lives out. Building a family, travelling the world, getting opportunities in foreign lands, raking in thousands of cash, and anything one can dream of. And then, there’s me.
It is like I am competing with the ones I love so much. But what is the end goal of this competition? What prize do I get from this? Why am I racing against them when there is nothing but love and support they gave me? I am being unkind and unfair.
Maybe, I was just being too ambitious. Why would a person like me send applications? Will “dumb” be an appropriate adjective to describe it? I just want to try. Of course, there are people better than me. Everyone is. Everyone does. But not me.
I constantly ask myself “am I really good at something?”. I worked, I studied. I did things that I think would make me feel better about myself. I can do things but it is just subpar. Acceptable. Good. Satisfactory. But is it something interesting? Remarkable? Topnotch? NO. How many tests do I have to fail? What else do I have to do? I’m not a math function; my limit isn’t the positive infinity. I am tired. It is exhausting to prove to myself that I am worth something but it all goes back to the same self-loathing session. How long do I have to fake it and when will they realize I am just faking it?
It also got me thinking “What am I trying to prove? And to whom am I proving myself? What for?”. I don’t know what to make sense with my thoughts and actions. I’m putting pressure to myself and for what? What do I get with this? My parents love me for who I am. Status and net worth are not the issue. So where is this stemming from?
Not that I have nothing; fortunately, I have what I need and I am surrounded with people I love but something feels missing. I am happy for them. I do. They have no idea how much I am proud of their success, their achievements, and their happiness. But at the back of my mind, there is this question: when will life go the way I want it to be?
I am lost. If this was an interview and you ask me about my long-term plan, I probably would just stare at the ceiling and probably cry for an hour or two and then get back at you with a fake smile and a cracked voice. I don’t know anymore. What do I even want in this life? Where am I going? Where am I now? Have I lost the potential? Have I plateaued? I quit on hoping. Right now, I’m just gonna live with what is today and not plan anything. Nothing goes the way I planned it so why waste my time on it.
PS. Ever watched the film Brad’s Status? If you haven’t, you should. It perfectly summed up what I have been feeling lately: a failure. The monologues. Man, hits too close to home.
PPS. Honestly, if I don’t get a new job, I’m just hoping some sugar parents will hit me up. Or maybe career shift to being a stripper? Start an Only Fans? What countries is sex work legal? Asking for a friend.
