How Close Am I?
To losing you.
[Originally written last April 3, 2022 7:22 PM]
Neggy had a seizure. I was there. I saw her eyes blinking rapidly, her teeth biting something non-existent, and her mouth frothing from all the saliva. It was disheartening. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I can tell her she will be fine. I felt helpless. All I did was held her paws while crying from panic.
Neggy had a seizure. I was there. I saw her eyes blinking rapidly, her teeth biting something non-existent, and her mouth frothing from all the saliva. It was disheartening. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I can tell her she will be fine. I felt helpless. All I did was held her paws while crying from panic.
She contracted canine distemper. It was only tonight that I learned about it. She had the signs all along. We were so complacent thinking it was just colds. Colds that do not seem to get better.
I asked her last Tuesday to hold on a little longer so I could take her to the vet this weekend. It is a Sunday, she is still breathing, but we have not gone to where I should take her. I broke my promise. I disappointed her. She followed my request like a good girl that she is but I did nothing for her.
[Originally written last April 5, 2022 3:30 pm]
A message popped up. A message from my mother. She broke the news: Neggy died. Neggy did not twitch her legs anymore. The legs that involuntary move as a neurological symptom of canine distemper, a sign that it has taken over her nervous system. The leg that kicks when I was giving her belly rubs. The belly rubs she begs for whenever she sees me and jumps in on me. Probably, in her mind, who cares if I get hurt by landing on my back as long as I get the good rubs? Or maybe because she trusts me so well that she knows I will catch her if she does fall. I would not know. She is not here anymore.
[Originally written last April 10, 2022 9:10 pm]
Mico, Neggy’s son, has contracted the same disease, too. He never left her mother even if Negi was already having a hard time. We tried separating them to quarantine but Mico always finds a way to get out. Clever dog. Clever that he was the first dog that I could teach. He obeys often except when there is food around; that is his distraction.
Like in Neggy’s case, I cannot do anything about it. It has progressed to a situation that Mico may never recover anymore. He is breathing quickly and heavily. He cannot hear me clearly anymore. His eyes, albeit open, are blank. He tries standing up but only falls immediately again. He wags his tail whenever I rub his belly while speaking to him. Even in his pain, maybe I could alleviate some of it. It is all I can offer.
Yesterday, he still got the energy to get up. I went to him and sat down with him. I told him that I am so grateful to have him in my life. He is a good boy. That if he chose not to continue, I will accept his decision. He was looking at me and wagging his tail, just not as energetic. It was sort of acceptance of the worst case scenario. Could be my farewell message to him, whatever happens in the coming days.
Tonight, I checked him out. He still is breathing but he is too frail. How close am I to losing you?
[Originally written last April 11, 2021 07:20 am]
I woke up at 5:30 am. I went to the kitchen and immediately looked for Mico. I saw an empty leash. My father told me he was still breathing but just lying down near the gazebo. I found him and called his name. He did not hear me but I felt somehow relieved. I continued cooking and eating breakfast.
Right before I head to the bathroom to shower, my father told me that Mico left. I do not know what to feel anymore but one thing is for sure, there was emptiness.
I put on a song. I want to sulk in sadness. As I am writing this, I have stopped for a couple of times for I am wailing silently.
I am definitely going to miss them. Whenever I arrive home, they usually sneak out and run towards our car, directly towards the driver seat. I always scratch their heads, tell them they are good boys and girls and one at a time, I pick them up. I let them sit on my lap, behind the steering wheel, and we honk the horns for fun. When I was having existential crisis, they were the ones who knew it, first. I will miss the barks that asks for foods, the jumping on my bed whenever they had the chance of me not looking, the pride I feel when they run after strangers that trespass. I am just going to miss them. Another void in my existence.
I watched them fade away. Their agony kills me inside. I was there but I cannot do anything about it. Like watching a tragic movie waiting to unravel the bad ending that you had in mind.
What if this happened to my family? Am I just gonna watch them, too? I cannot take being passive about it. I will do whatever it takes just to keep them safe and well.
